Too Weak to Handle a Strong Woman
April 1, 2008 — lrubin39Let’s just get right to it…Men are intimidated by strong, successful women.
There. I said it!
I read an article recently that started this way, “The majority of my most successful, good-looking, educated, talented girlfriends are still single.” (click here to read article)
Is it that men don’t want to deal with the challenges of a woman who works long hours, possibly makes more money than him, and doesn’t require him to make decisions for her?
Or, are “successful” women too bossy, demanding, and selfish to make good mates?
Let me know what you think.
April 1, 2008 at 10:31 pm
I kind of fit into this category of strong, independent women. I think “success” is relative. Some may look at me as succesful, but I feel like I have a long way to go. But I do have a Ph.D. and I sometimes wonder if I should even mention it to potential dates. It’s not like I walk around introducing myself as Dr. Cass, but when I’m asked about what school(s) I went to, I usually say I went to Penn State twice. Because I did and because I spent around 10 years of my life there. If I left the second one out, there would be a hole in my life. I haven’t been in a relationship in a couple of years. Heck, I’ve barely had any dates in the past couple of years. Many of my friends are in the same boat, but I do have other friends that date pretty regularly. Those that don’t date a lot comment that men think they are too independent. Those that do date a lot, while being highly educated and successful, are more of the “I need you” type. My ex recently told me that he felt like I didn’t need him for anything. I told him it’s not that I don’t want any help with stuff, it’s just that I’m 36 and I’m so used to doing stuff for myself that I don’t even think to ask for help. It’s hard to go from handling your business for most of your life to relying on someone else. The things that “women like me” need from men are emotional support and affection. Sadly, these are things that many men may not be equipped to offer. This is not an insult. Aren’t men more readily able to provide more concrete things - like washing the car? LOL Seriously though. Do men feel like they don’t have anything to offer if a women doesn’t need them financially?
April 1, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Now Lee… I just think you are trying to start a fight on the web today! Is this your personal April Fools move?
I’ll preface this with the fact that I am considered by most to be a “strong” woman, whatever that really means. But I am also a God-Centered woman which means I look to the Word of God to guide how I carry myself. I also know how to turn on the “strong” at work and turn on the “wife” at home.
My husband benefits from my strengths and knows how to “encourage” me to tone it down when it gets borderline, if you feel me. I have a great sense of self-awareness so I know me. I understand that I am “too much” sometimes so I don’t trip when he reels me in.
That is the true strength of a strong woman… recognizing that everyone strength can be a weakness when taken too far and not being offended when a man who wants to love you shows you, well, you.
Shout out to all the strong women who have gotten such a bad wrap. Remember, you want your strength to be an asset, not a liability, in your relationship.
April 1, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Cass, I love your thoughtful answer and would like to comment on some of it.
I think that men are more concrete thinkers. Before I was married, I think I made more money that all the guys I dated. No big deal to me and I never brought up how much I made because it was not useful information for a casual dating relationship.
Now with my husband, he is gifted with his hands and can fix anything - car, house, whatever. I showed him that I needed him in simple ways and it is what I have found most guys want. There was a bad storm one night when we were leaving church and the power on the block went out. I didn’t dash out to the car. I looked forlorn (LOL!) and gave him my keys to bring my car to me. He went out to get the umbrella and escorted me to the car. He did wash my car on our first date! I thought that was funny but I guess its a boy thing. When a guy is around, I won’t lift anything that is remotely heavy… I let them be the gentleman that is begging to be on display. I’m very comfortable being the girl in the room (with my strong self). My friends would laugh because I wouldn’t get the door myself it a guy was in a 5-10′ radius. Men always came to the rescue to “get the door” for me.
I was married 5 years ago at 35 years of age. I was the consummate “strong” woman, handling my business, as they say. I have found that if you turn on your inner girl, boys will be boys and come to your aid in many small ways that makes them feel needed.
Now some of you will say, “That’s not me,” or “I’m not acting like that.” Okay. That’s always a choice but if you are not getting the results you want, maybe just think about doing something differently.
April 1, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Amen and Amen!
April 1, 2008 at 11:29 pm
For women to be successful in this society, they have to make certain sacrifices. They are forced to spend their lives proving that they belong. It seems like this creates a “me against the world” mindset–a mindset that is not conducive to meaningful, intimate relationships. Because these women have to guard themselves on their way up the ladder, they seem to have difficulty letting the guards down (and being vulnerable) to let someone love them.
For any relationship to work, both parties have to open up and be vulnerable. Usually it is the man that has a hard time doing that. If a women refuses to open up, she will be a lonely person. Straight up!
April 1, 2008 at 11:30 pm
All women are weak if you know how to hit the right “buttons”!
April 1, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I kinda agree with Dave. But I think that the reason many women, particularly black women, have their guards up is not because of fighting to get up the corporate ladder. Many of us (definitely in my case) have been hurt so bad by past relationships that it’s hard to completely open up. I know that’s an issue for me. I’m not mean and bitter and I’m not averse to relationships, but I’m definitely a hard nut to crack. :o) And like Blastah says, once you crack it, it’s all good. LOL Okay, that was a joke and a little inappropriate. LMAO
April 2, 2008 at 12:25 am
melissa - to all that — DITTO!! you hit the nail on the head girlfriend!! let a man feel like a man and you might be surprised how much you like the results!! (i know i was)
meekness = strength under control
all that said, i do know that there are some men out there who are intimidated by a woman who makes more $$ than they do… but they are not the majority (i don’t think).
alanna
April 2, 2008 at 1:10 am
I LOVE education. I flourish in obtaining knowledge especially when it comes to sharing that blessing with young people / young adults.
I am working on my Ed.D. I pray that that doesn’t keep people from me - I am hoping it to be a lure.
When I present a too confident demeanor, it has been proven too much for some. I don’t want to be something that I am not so acting less than confident is hard but when I meet someone (and I have) that can allow me to “stand down” then a softer side appears.
I am constantly reminded of the story of Adam and Eve. When God called Adam for an answer as to why he had eaten of the forbidden tree - he hid. Some of us hide behind degrees, careers, big homes and materialistic possessions. We have to be in constant prayer for God to provide us with an understanding of strength and the definition of “help-mate” so that we can obtain the mate God truly intended us to have. Things definitely can get in the way of God’s intent - usually it’s ourselves. That isn’t just a woman’s “thang” - it happens with men too.
April 2, 2008 at 1:43 am
My husband has a healthy view of our money. The more I make, the more he can spend on suits, shoes and tennis shoes. Pray for him!
The money enhances our household and everyone is happy. We both work and support our family and all of the money goes to one bank account. We only talk about the total because that is what we have to work with in our household.
And single ladies, if you have a guy that is preoccupied with your salary, run the other way. He’s got some security issues that will continue to surface in other areas too.
April 2, 2008 at 3:49 am
Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee…
You know I love your ability to elicit thought provoking discussion. This blog is so often like looking in a mirror and examining myself it is scary. There have been so many comments made already–I can honestly say that I agree with alot of them. Confidence is a very intimidating thing for some people. I can echo the sentiments about having two degrees and trying to work on a third…folks get a little uncomfortable about that. Not sure why, heck, I am the one doing all the work, paying the loans, etc. Ohhhh…but I digress! LOL. Anyway, it is often God-giving ambition that propels me to move forward to seek more; to do more. There should be no crime in that. I figure if you treat me with respect and dignity; then I can do the same for you. It shouldn’t matter how many degrees I have or how much money I make. (Trust me, in education, it ain’t that much…laughs. You definitely have to LOVE what you do.) What is stopping you from doing the same?
April 2, 2008 at 8:45 am
Ditto Melissa- if he is preoccupied with your money- its a no good.
My position has always been that her money was extra and mine was to hold down the fort, so to speak. She should have the option of working or not working, and God gave me that.
Most of the self proclaimed, strong women, have said what I believe to be true. Be strong when needed and soft when needed (inner girl- Melissa), even more so, if you are married.
April 2, 2008 at 9:44 am
I have been “the married one” within my circle of friends for quite some time. They are all wonderful, beautiful, intelligent women who I often felt had their heads in the clouds when it came to finding what they thought was Mr. Right. Several believed that Mr. Right would walk into their lives with perfect credit and a “good” job, no children or baggage from previous relationships, and with an undeterred want to marry within a year.
Of those 6 or 7 friends, one has gotten married and another is in a serious relationship. All the others spend quite a bit of our girl’s nights out talking about the last bad one and what they still think they’ll find.
I am by no means hating on their high expectations, and applaud them for knowing their own worth, but I caution them on nixing a “good” man because he doesn’t fit into their expectations. Its almost like they are carving this David-esque image that can never be repeated.
All of these women have fathers who are great examples for them and I feel like if they just talked to their mothers and fathers, they’d see that maybe Daddy wasn’t exactly perfect when he met their mothers. That the growing was the beauty of their relationships…that way, they might be more free to look at someone on the up and up instead of waiting for that white horse…
so, to answer your question, its been my experience that women can often be to demanding as far as what they are looking for.
April 2, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I guess many men are intimidated by an “empowered’ woman and thats so sad.
I do know that all men arent the same, but like people, men too are insecure about many issues, and u will soon find that out the longer u live with them, I have found that if u compliment men, often (lol) about the things that they do…verses the things that they dont do, it brings out the best in the them.
My husband pays all the bills in the house, and I constantly compliment him on this..
What ever it takes, a bit of stroking the ego, whatever, as long as it makes him know that he is the man, and he has dont wonderfully in that area for the past few years, its all good.
now the part of being a strong woman.
I have to comment, that underneath, I am a very,strong woman. I may not look like it, but then again, what does a strong woman look like? Years ago, I used to be afraid to admit it, or even show it, but now, I am empowered to admit, that yes, this is me, and I LIKE me.
.
See the problem is (and yes, on this topic I can truly talk), we are taught, that we have to step back and let the man lead.
Nothing is wrong with that, but if a woman has strength, in one particular area, and or a couple of areas, let her lead. Encourage her, build her up, as you would have her do you…
Dont sit back, and be intimated by the fact, that the Lord has blessed her with this component. Be happy. This component, can be a blessing to you too..
You as a unit, - a marriage unit - can work together to complete a whole, and if you are too gung ho, to see the benefits of that, then really, men, u deserve to stay in your lost position..
Walk good…
April 3, 2008 at 12:43 am
Reading all of these responses I forgot the question.
Men are intimidated by strong, successful women?
The stronger the better, she can help me in the FIGHT for justice. If she is successful in terms of income earnings well that just makes it compliment my 6 figures and we will be much happier together.
So any of you still looking for that unintimidated man get at me.
Peace!!!!
April 3, 2008 at 1:23 am
CC,
I love your public service / personals ad. LOL!!
Alright girls, you saw it here first… a man not intimidated by a strong woman.
April 3, 2008 at 4:05 am
I think the most beautiful thing about a strong woman is that she knows her place. She has the ability to be strong, intelligent, courageous, wealthy, and wise, yet she is equipped and utilizes all of the necessities to make her man feel like he’s King. Her power is His power.
April 3, 2008 at 8:36 am
Carmen (crblackflutterby)
i do believe what you’re saying…the problem may arise when this “power struggle” isn’t discussed because it may hurt the other person’s feelings (I think that means the relationship needs some work because we should be able to talk freely, but its real).
I have a dear friend who is having problems in her relationship because she is the higher paid spouse and she is also in charge of the bills. She wants to step down, but he won’t step up…and his feelings are clearly hurt and he isn’t able to express what’s he’s really having a problem with.
I think there’s a real power struggle going on in African American homes and the center is the success of women the resultant strength they achieve from it.
On a personal note, it is becoming my personal mission to find myself as a better wife to my husband. I love to see him in control of things and being the final word on issues we share in our home. Its a personal struggle, too…handing over what I am in control of, but I trust him more than anyone else in the world…so I will.
April 3, 2008 at 9:55 am
So I have a question… Is it fact or is it a myth that men have a problem with women that make more money than them?
I’ve only heard women say this. I’ve not ever in my 40 years heard a man say “my woman needs to make less than me.” I have a feeling that what could have been a minor challenge has been raise to another level by more women than men.
Anyone have a differing opinion?
April 3, 2008 at 10:34 am
Listen Ladies, a true man’s character and confidence should not be affected by a strong women, whether she is making more money than him or not. Even if she is, if their relationship or marriage is on point then it should not matter to him if she is making more money than him. If he is
doing all the other things right in the relationship she will or
should i say “should” give him that respect. God ordained it that way, God 1st Man 2nd Women 3rd. Remember this
People make choices and choices make people. Peace.
April 4, 2008 at 9:52 am
It is a beautiful ting when a woman and a man knows their place in the relationship. I have seen women who label them selves by their job or education. it’s sad if that has been the center focus and purpose in life. when a man states that he dosen’t fit in your life it is usually due to you not surrendering ” your self” and relationship building is hard and a constant work in progress. It doesn’t matter who makes more, but their should be equal give and take I don’t need to be strong in everything eventhough I am a “strong woman” I love being my husband queen and he is king
April 5, 2008 at 1:36 am
I for one am a successful strong black woman. I am currently working towards my M.S. in Counseling (Mental Health) and I am engaged to a man who makes less money and has less education than I.
HOWEVER, I do not demean him as a man. I do not “remind” him that I am more educated than he, nor do I challenge his manhood. In essence, I respect him as the MAN that he is. He supports me and my educational endavors and he welcomes my quest to obtain my PhD. He treats me like the queen that I am and he contributes to the relationship spiritually, emotionally, mentally and also financially (he does not allow me to pay for dates despite our income differences). Also, we still honor our roles as man and woman in our relationship.
With God first in our relationship and as long as we got him, we are OKAY!
April 10, 2008 at 12:55 pm
There is no problem with dating “strong” women. the only problem is when women begin to think they are stronger than men.
April 19, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I dont think that most women think that they are stronger than men..
I think that most women would prefer to use the term *empowered* and *enlightened*, rather than strong….