lrubin39
hpettiford
Hasani is back for “Relationship Wednesday” with another thought-provoking discussion…(check out Hasani’s website)
Have you ever dated someone with secrets? Maybe it was a history of sexually transmitted diseases, a conviction for drunken driving, those six kids by five different mothers, the scaly skin condition that covers 20% of your body or, the all-time weird, a fetish for smelling little girls bicycle seats?
These are details that are never shared over that initial cup of coffee or candlelit dinner. In fact, weeks and months go by and everything seems normal. But, if it’s important to build trust from the beginning, when do you reveal the big secret?
If you tell too soon you risk short circuiting a potentially wonderful relationship due to your disclosure. If you wait too long, you risk compromising the relationship due to delayed disclosure (which is perceived as deception).
So, my 3-part question is:
1) When is the best time to drop the proverbial bomb?
2) If the shoe were on the other foot, when would you want to be told your partner’s dark secret?
3) Would you rather live by the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy?
July 23, 2008 at 10:48 pm
That’s what the internet is for. ;o)
July 23, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Trust is key to a successful relationship. Deception is the direct enemy of trust. It is criminal, sinful even, to try to build trust through deceit. So, by not telling something that you know will impact another person’s trust in you is to live a lie. Silence is the reason we have so many suicides and AIDS cases. Tell the truth!
July 24, 2008 at 1:42 am
somethings are just better left unsaid
July 24, 2008 at 1:48 am
only of course, if it has serious health ramifications , like Aids, herpes, hepatitis, etc
July 24, 2008 at 7:33 am
Aside from health issues… guys really don’t want to know about a girl’s past exploits or wild oats. They’d prefer to think that you were a virgin until you got with them. My husband doesn’t want to talk about what I did before I met him on any intimate level. He’ll talk about his stuff but changes the subject if I go there, which is fine with me. I like the virginal personna anyway.
July 25, 2008 at 1:41 am
A sister-in-Christ just called and told me she had sex with a married man. I wish she didn’t tell me and I really feel bad because I was the one who rolled down the window and told her to get his cell phone number because he was really cute. Of course, we didn’t know at the time he was married. I don’t know why I ASSUME they are single – silly me! I would definitely rather live by the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
Since I am married, I told her if I ever decided to stray, I would not tell her anything because she cannot keep a secret. She told me and another sister who is equated to screaming your secret from the rooftops of any downtown urban area.
So I ask her what was the defining factor in her sleeping with this UNSAVED married guy as opposed to the SAVED married guy she decided not to sleep with. Before I married, I found it easier to sleep with an unsaved man and could not sleep with a saved man. She felt the same way; in addition she did not want to see him at church. Obviously, everyone at chruch does not feel this way.
July 25, 2008 at 7:00 am
i don’t think it is necessary to divulge our past dirty laundry… we have all made mistakes and (hopefully) have learned from them. if it is an issue that we are still currently struggling with, then i would say sooner is better than later. give someone the option of choosing up front if this is something that they can deal with or not… people can only respect you for being honest. it takes someone who is really comfortable in their skin to wear their heart on their sleeve with that take it or leave it attitude… if you don’t love me, someone else will!! lol why waste each others PRECIOUS time?