lrubin39
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Relationship Wednesday with Hasani…
Last week my wife and I watched a very interesting documentary about single Black women entitled ‘Soul Mates.’ It opened up with a very powerful statement.
The narrator said, “The most powerful woman in the world, and the most influential woman in the world are both Black women: Condoleezza Rice & Oprah Winfrey. However, with all that power, their greatest weakness is being able to get married and have children.”
As exceptional as they both are, Oprah and Condoleezza represent a large portion of Black women in America. Black women are the most unpartnered group in the US and perhaps on the planet. According to statistics 42.3 of Black Women have never been married. Also, the more money and education a Black woman has, the less likely she is to ever get married or have children.
If this information is correct, Black women are often forced to make an unfair decision: “Do I want a career and financial stability or do i want a man?” Unfortunately, many Black women don’t have the privilege of choosing both.
What do you think about this reality?
September 24, 2008 at 10:39 pm
white women face the same choice… what are we a different species??????
September 24, 2008 at 10:46 pm
I think the misconception is that most of us consciously chose our careers over marriage and family. It might be more accurate that we were able to push ahead with careers because we didn’t have the responsibilities associated with marriage and family. It was easy for me to quit my job and go back to grad school because I was untethered. I didn’t have to think twice. If I were married and/or a mother at the time, that decision would not have been as easy. To be clear, I’m not saying marriage and children are burdens. I’m just saying that the relationship between career and family could operate in the opposite direction – unmarried women without children are more “easily” able to obtain a higher education and further their careers (particularly if it means relocation); we didn’t necessarily sacrifice marriage and family to obtain those things.
September 24, 2008 at 10:50 pm
melissa,
unfortunately, you are a different species – especially if you are committed to marrying black men. I believe that much of the reason that black women are the most unpartnered group has less to do with them, than it has to do with the lack of good black men to marry. Being educated and career oriented furthers the commonality gap between you and your black male counterparts.
September 24, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Cass,
I enjoyed your post. Let me offer the other side. I am married and had just had my son when I decided to go back to school and finish a long-abandoned degree program.
It was hard! I had to balance being a wife, a mother and a working woman. What I’m really saying is that though it was hard, it was needed for my goal. I did sacrifice personal time but it was only for a season and it had a greater payout.
It has paid off in spades, since I’ve increased my salary by $16K in under a year. Woohoo!
Hello to the other Melissa.
September 24, 2008 at 11:39 pm
i think it is an issue that is much more complex than a simple explanation; there are MANY things that contribute to the number of single women in this country – regardless if they are career focused or not, there are more adults (male and female) staying single now, than ever before.
the number ONE reason that i find with ANY *career focused* individual is that having a partner/spouse/mate/homey lover friend
is a HUGE responsibility that could (and definitely would be) a distraction – in some shape or form. heck, i’m not even trying to be a bajillionaire… i’m just trying to get my bachelors and i am STRUGGLING to maintain a B average… and i am sure i could maintain an A if i had time to myself (other than 2 in the a.m. when i’m half asleep!!)
i once heard someone say (to his son) that “he could chase money, or he could chase women… but if he decided to try to chase both, he would end up not having much of either” meaning that a woman might complain about his over committing to work and career goals (not giving her enough time – thus creating a less than peaceful relationship) or she might spend his money as quickly as he earns it!! LOL
and there are many other ways a relationship could hinder your career goals!! relationships are very demanding and require a lot of time/effort/energy… logically, this would be deducted from the time/effort/energy that could be put towards career goals!!
……LOTS of reasons to stay single, ESPECIALLY if you have high achievement career goals AND if you are a woman – i KNOW most men would have an issue with their woman “out doing” him in his God given natural place, whether they would admit it or not.
and p.s. i don’t consider myself to be a different species Henrique! i think this mentality contributes GREATLY to the division of blacks and whites to this day… thinking that someone like me could never understand – you don’t know my struggle!! i see people of all races struggling these days. it’s not about race anymore; it’s economical.
September 25, 2008 at 5:19 am
The reality of being single longer than anticipated is what it is! And it really doesn’t matter why or if there is a shortage of quality Black men. When I reached 40 and l realized that I may remain single, it was time for me to regroup. I have watched two documentaries on “Soul Mates”. The one directed by Andrea Wiley was most dynamic and Real. The other included Mrs. Wiley’s work but was produced by NBC. At first, the thought of being single for the rest of my life was difficult to deal with. But then I had an AH HA moment. I looked around and started to see how much of a need there is for Black women to actively participate in the lives of other young women(mentor). So I decided to make myself available. I started to read/study the Word. I found 2 scriptures that spoke volumes to my soul- 2 Corinthians 1:3-6 and Titus 2:3. I also started to read Michelle McKinney Hammond’s books. Here is this Christian young woman stating that she is enjoying her single life. Well, I just didn’t believe it. Until I started to try some of the things she suggested doing. For example, going out to dinner by yourself, take yourself on a date to the movies, concerts,plays. I have even taken short trips alone. I still like to travel with other people and family. I had to turn my focus back on Kingdom things, seeking God for direction for my life and to give me peace about being single. So now, I don’t worry about it. Other people are more concerned about my marital status than I am. I am trusting and believing God is in control. So either way, I’m going to be alright whether I remain Ms. or become Mrs. I just want to be all that God has called and created me to be.
September 25, 2008 at 6:00 am
I was in college at 19 years old. got married in my sophmore year, and started my Masters degree the next semester after graduating with my BA degree..
the question is..
“Do I want a career and financial stability or do i want a man?”
My answer is…
Why cant we -as black women – have both?
September 25, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Why is it that as Black women if we’re not married with a family that it is assumed that we’re missing out on something? Yes, I am sure as young black girls we’ve all envisioned ourselves as being someone’s soulmate. That is the illusion that life presents us. But the reality of living is quite different. I am a 52 year-old black woman, who holds a master’s degree, an author, mother of one, community activist, entrepreneur, and I couldn’t be happier! I have made myself useful for the common good of our community and society in general. As one of my dearest friends once told me “marriage is over rated.” I tend to agree, having been in a live-in relationship with a man for a number of years that didn’t work out. As Black women, we have had to forge a path for ourselfves as a result of the institution of slavery and the unjust circumstances that Black men have had to deal with for hundreds of years. This is a Black reality. Being someone’s mom or wife doesn’t always make you a whole person. This is something you must explore for yourself and be good with yourself be it with or without a man or child.
September 26, 2008 at 10:47 am
Gilda Rogers wrote
This is the problem with America, slavery ended over 140 years ago, yet you try to blame black mens inadequacies on slavery? What? That’s the problem that I see, too many people want to place blame on others. What happened 140 years ago does not dictate the actions of black men today as to whether or not they will be a father or a sperm donor. This is a ridiculous comment especially from a 52 year-old black woman.
September 26, 2008 at 10:02 pm
it amazes me how this man can have so much to say on a topic that he couldnt begin to know…couldnt read enough books to understand…or watch enough tv to know anything about!
September 26, 2008 at 10:04 pm
D.A. Slinkard, I do appreciate your response and I am in no way excusing what is going on with today’s Black Men, I am simply stating a fact, having written a book on the subject and as a professor of African American History. Yes, I agree with you that they should have progressed from a place of victimization considering the trailblazing path of so many Black men who have accomplished so many great things in our history. I think you misunderstood my comment.
September 27, 2008 at 5:47 am
Gilda,
Thank you for your response, can you please clarify the following statement…
.
September 30, 2008 at 5:32 am
this documentary stated,
“Also, the more money and education a Black woman has, the less likely she is to ever get married or have children.”
I disagree.
If a woman has to act stupid just to have a man, and or to make him feel important, then we as a nation of women, are in a sad state indeed.
In fact, a woman should never choose a man , just to “have” a man. Its better for her just to remain single and have some peace and quiet in her life than to take that path. She’ll save herself, a lot of headaches expecially if she is dealing with an underachiever with an inferiority complex.
I just hope and pray, that our girls, our up and coming young women, dont buy into that crippling and disabling mentality.
September 30, 2008 at 9:19 pm
DA Slinkard wrote – “This is the problem with America, slavery ended over 140 years ago, yet you try to blame black mens inadequacies on slavery? What? That’s the problem that I see, too many people want to place blame on others. What happened 140 years ago does not dictate the actions of black men today as to whether or not they will be a father or a sperm donor.”
I agree that all of the Black man’s inadequacies dont stem from slavery, but to totally dismiss the impact of slavery that still exists is not wise.
I also agree with the statement about the blame game. No one, today, wants to accept responsibility for their actions. Its always someone else. Fathering children comes down to two people making a decision that has nothing to do with slavery. But we should remember that although slavery ended in 1865, a heavy residue remained until 1965, and even today (less than 50 yrs later) we have issues, actions, and mentality that trace back to the experience of Slavery.
October 1, 2008 at 10:30 am
Sounds like you are writing about Affirmative Action, I have written a post here pertaining to the end of Affirmative Action.
What are your thoughts pertaining to Obama being selected for the potential President of the United States? If you are refering to hatred between whites & blacks then this is something that will live on forever. Truth of the matter is, hatred will live on longer than what you and I will ever be on this earth.
What transpired in the 1960s per your reference has led to a more leveled playing field today than what was experienced 40 years ago. Blacks as CEO’s, as this, that and the other is something that was not fathomable a generation ago.
http://conservativecorner.wordpress.com/2008/06/28/obama-clinton-end-of-affirmative-action-nearing/
October 1, 2008 at 11:17 pm
No, I’m not writing about Affirmative Action. It never crossed my mind, really. I was writing about Jim Crow Laws and similar rules, that were the residue, that existed after slavery and ended in the 60’s. Slavery was about more than the labor. There are damaging psychological aspects too. So I contend that there are some inadequecies within the Black community as a result of slavery and things that occured right after it (Jim Crow).
As for Obama, well its great that he has gotten this far, but until we have a viable third party in this country, it DONT matter. Left wing or right wing, its all the same plane. Same goes for our two party political system, its all the same. Republicans are for less govt. and lower taxes, yet we have all kinds of laws that allow the govt into my life and tell me how to live it. All for the sake of Natl. Security., ie- Patriot Act. Is anyone being 100% truthful?
I agree that there is a fairly level playing field, and more opportunities.
I also know that the white & black hatred will exist until Jesus returns. He told us certain things will always exist. People fighting and not liking one another (for trivial reasons) has existed since just after Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden.