lrubin39
hpettifordHasani’s back on Relationship Wednesday. Enjoy…
Yesterday on my radio show, I interviewed the founder and member of a 100-member Philadelphia women’s organization by the name of ‘Black Women Who Want More.’ We got into a discuss about Black men and the nature of Black male/female relationships. One of the members is a single, successful and affluent black professional woman who can’t seem to find a quality man.
She appears to be a wonderful woman but she has a tall list of non-negotiables. All of her potentials must meet the following five criteria. He MUST…
1) make more money than her,
2) have a stronger relationship with God than her,
3) know more (general knowledge/intelligence) than her,
4) be physically stronger than her, and
5) be older than her (she’s 44 years old).
Here’s my question: Is her refusal to settle in any of the five areas a good thing OR does she have an unrealistic list of expectations that will ultimately force her to settle to be alone?
November 12, 2008 at 11:03 am
That’s funny. How does she assess #4? Does she make her dates bench press before she will out with them?
November 12, 2008 at 11:53 am
Hilarious Mike! I know a lot of women like men who are a lot taller than them. I just ask that he weighs more. That’s my issue, not his. LOL As for the other items, a guy can make less but be on better financial footing because he has no debt; people can fake a relationship with God – I’ve seen it; who wants a know-it-all anyway (there’s only room for one!); older dudes tend to want women significantly younger than them (which is why I get hit on by the retirees – yuck!). Anyway, I’m being silly. I think what she is ultimately getting at is she wants a guy who she feels can take care of her in every way, so she set these standards. No matter how “independent” we get, many women want to feel taken care of one way or another. (For me, I like a guy who can introduce me to something new. I’m sick of showing guys new things!!)
)
I don’t necessarily agree with all of her “must haves” but I understand the sentiment behind them. I wish her luck with her list!
November 12, 2008 at 12:39 pm
This is a good topic Hasani. I don’t know if her list is unrealistic as much as it is apparently ineffective.
She doesn’t seem to be meeting anyone who meets all of the criteria. Some of us may think some of them are shallow – what difference does it matter how much a guy weighs if he’s healthy? He could make more and be a horrible money manager, or make less and have money in investments and in the bank (as pointed out by another blogger).
Hey, I’m not knocking her list. I had one too. It was pretty simple though:
1. Love God more than he loved me.
2. Have a vision with at least a basic idea of how to get there (I could put the feet to the vision, if he had one).
3. Not have any kids.
4. Ability to express his love to me.
These were all up to interpretation by me.
I realized these traits in my husband. But I didn’t think any of them were shallow. Of course you have to be physically attracted to a person so that’s a given. I didn’t have specific stipulations, but I would know it when I saw it.
I don’t think her list is forcing her to be alone but the creator of the list is forcing her to be alone. She can change them when ever she wants.
Tell her good luck with that.
November 12, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I actually feel sorry for the sistah. I would venture to guess that her criteria are based on painful previous relationships. Her last relationship was probably with some broke heathen that never got his G.E.D., who was skinny and weak and was 10 years younger than her. Going into relationships with such strict parameters makes you more of a detective than someone open to love.
November 12, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I understand her “must haves” and understand the sentiment behind them, and also wish her luck.
#2 is iffy for me because I don’t look to my husband for Spiritual nourishment because we are different denominations. I can’t gauge his Spirituality because in some aspects of life, he is more “saint”ly than I am.
#3 is also iffy because although my husband is handsome (which also helps remember you HAVE TO look at this person for the rest of your life), thank God he is smarter than he looks. You don’t want a know-it-all either.
#5 I had always dated guys at least 15 years my senior so they knew it all! I felt like their kid. I married closer to my age to deflect that. I am also early 40’s and if 40 is the new 30, I would suggest you go younger. They have more – how shall I say…stamina, yeah, stamina! Good health is very important a lot of women do not place health at the top of their lists.
November 12, 2008 at 2:09 pm
LOVE! LOL! Does someone have a scripture that tells wives to love their husbands? Submit, subject, reverence even honor…
November 12, 2008 at 6:51 pm
I definitely understand! I can understand her point of view, because I, too, had “A List”. I discovered that we as women (African-American) can be rigid in our requests. Not saying that you should not have an idea of what you want, but being flexible and open to new experiences should also be a part of the plan. I am a single African-American woman in my 40’s. As I get older, I have realized that everyone needs to have some “must haves”. I think you have to be true to yourself. For example, I am an avid reader. I attempted several years ago to date someone who did not read anything at all, not even the newspaper. Let’s just say, that it just didn’t work out. It wouldn’t have been so bad, if the person was open to experiencing new things, but he wasn’t. I find that a great deal of Black men don’t read. I understand because many of them are busy attempting to make a living for their families and they just don’t have the time. For me, I found a great deal of my interests conflict with what many African-American men participate. For example, I am quite fond of anything dealing with the performing arts, whether it is music, concerts, the theatre, spoken word, visual art, and dance. In my area there are several cultural arts festivals, I went this year solo, because I couldn’t get a “brotha” to attend not even one event. I think that if a person finds themselves unattached after a certain age, they shouldn’t worry about it. Enjoy life, enjoy doing the things that God will have you to do, and hopefully, somewhere during the process, “Mr. Right” will come along. I, too, await that day, but by no means am I waiting by the telephone or at home. He will definitely have to find me.
Getting back to the topic at hand, I once heard a Mother at a Missionary meeting say that “single women need to pray to God for their future husband”. It was the oddest thing that I had ever heard. She went on to say that a woman should also pray that God prepares her for the mate that He has chosen for her. But what really blew me away was that she and her sister did this and God blessed both of them with exactly what they had prayed. They have both been married for over 20 years. I was amazed. So, keep the faith and be Blessed.
November 13, 2008 at 2:10 am
While I do think that there are certain criteria that need to be met when choosing a mate (like being human, breathing, and of voting age), I also think that a person should be flexible and reasonable about the standards they set. If this woman found a man that met her criteria, would she have what it takes to meet his?
November 13, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Sonya. I believe Scripture says that men are to LOVE their wives and women are to RESPECT their husbands. If wives don’t feel love, they can’t respect their husbands. If husbands don’t feel respected, they can’t love their wives. It becomes a never-ending cycle (according to recent teaching I’ve heard). My church is actually having a marriage conference based on this premise.
November 13, 2008 at 6:53 pm
hmmmmm…lets go thru the list
#1 my man does make more money than me but it wasn’t a requirement of us getting involved. the tables can turn and im hoping they do. im on the road to serious entrepreneurship and i could very well surpass his income soon and i will love and adore him no less!
#2 i think we are equally yoked spiritually and we are moving forward in God together.
#3 he has 2 more college degrees than i do but i wouldnt say that he is more intelligent than me. we balance each other intellectually. we both have experienced some things that they other hasn’t and we learn from each other. we are equal.
#4 of course he’s stronger than me, lol!!
#5 he’s 2 years younger
so….with all that being said…i don’t really agree with the list.
I’m not saying settle by any means but just have realistic expectations and know that the man of your dreams may not meet every bullet on your list of must haves! But that doesn’t mean he can’t make you happy!
November 22, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Its interesting to consider some of the conflicts between what women claim to want and what they actually want.
For many women when it comes to choosing men,
“What was on the shopping list going in to the grocery store is often different than whats in the shopping cart when they come out”
November 27, 2008 at 12:23 am
*Sigh***
Really, all most black women want is a man who can pay the bills and will agree with her about anything 100 percent of the times..
and a man who amiable, peaceable and easy to mold..
Can I get an Amen ladies?!
January 3, 2009 at 12:57 pm
LOL..the list. I know there is a very high divorce rate because people are not getting married to what they “need”. You can have a list all you want. God knows what you “need”. I had a laundry list of what I wanted, but my fiancee doesn’t look like or match anything on it. but he is what I “needed”. And I’m so very happy. A lot of what people look for is a pure fantasy anyway.