How to Shower Like a Woman/Man

Thanks, Phyllis, for passing this along from Lynette. Beside the gender differences, I noticed a few cultural differences as well. Enjoy!

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

• Take off clothing and place it in sectioned hamper according to lights and darks.
• Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
• Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
• Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
• Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.
• Rinse off and turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
• Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
• Walk naked to the bathroom.
• If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “woo-woo” sound.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
• Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
• Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
• Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
• Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
• Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower.
• Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
• Admire wiener size in mirror again.
• Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
• If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the “woo-woo” sound again.
• Throw wet towel on bed.

Does this sound familiar?

Here We Go Again…GIFT BAGS!

I’ve taken great effort to avoid “recycling” blog entries.  There’s enough that happens in our lives that I don’t have to repeat topics over and over.

However…

I had a discussion this morning with co-workers about GIFT BAGS.  We’re having a little holiday party today which includes exchanging small gifts.  The conversation went from the challenges of wrapping presents to gift bags.

There’s a number of people who have joined the blog since we did that piece, so I think you’ll enjoy it.  And for those of you who remember the story, I’m sure you can use a good laugh.

So, without further ado, the Gift Bag story…

Mars, Venus, and a Gift Bag.

Men Changing Diapers

Alanna,

Thanks for sharing this…I needed it!

(click image to play video)

Rules for Thanksgiving Dinner

I’m not sure who the author is here (possibly W. F. Cleaves), but I appreciate you sharing this with us.  I’m sure it’ll be very useful.  (I made some minor changes to make it more G-rated.) Feel free to send these rules along with the invitations.

10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE

1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. “Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.

2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your behind down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little tails to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their behind!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who cares. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be told off and asked to stay your greedy butt home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing darn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant butt!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your behind home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!