Climbing the Ladder of Love – Part 3

Phyllis and Erasto continue their advice column on the steps of building a successful relationship.  Don’t forget to check out the first two steps.

Step 1 on the ladder of love is to Know Thyself

Step 2 on the ladder of Love – Be Open and Honest – and most of all – Be Ready for a Relationship 

Step 3 on the ladder of Love – Take the time to get to know each other in a way  that goes beyond just the physical attraction.

Get to know the person’s character, standards,values and morals by spending quality time communicating with them.  You also need to make the person a part of your life.

Bring them around friends and family to get a feel for how the person interacts with, and adapts to, being in your normal everyday life.  This gives you the opportunty to get to know the person through others by observing their actions and overall personality. 

Once again, it is important to be your authentic self in this step of the process.

Climbing the Ladder of Love – Part 2

For those just joining us today, Phyllis (Cocoa) Leath and Curtis (Erasto) Matthews, are helping us climb the ladder of love.  Today is the second piece of a 5 part series, and the theme is: The Steps to Building a Meaningful and Successful Relationship is like Climbing a Ladder.  

Step 1 on the ladder of love is to Know Thyself

Step 2 on the ladder of Love – Be Open and Honest – and most of all – Be Ready for a Relationship

When you are in this place, you will attract like people to you.  Once attraction is substantiated, both people should be in a healthy emotional state and have both done the self-introspective work necessary to take the relationship to a more intimate level.

At this point, they can bring to the table qualities, values and characteristics which would move the relationship in a postive and a mutually fufilling direction.

(Mind you, this is just our perspective based on our experiences.  We have found these are the steps that we deem important in our quest to find Real and Lasting Love.)

Lee’s note: I agree with this assessment.  It is hard to attract someone who is compatible with you if the “you” that folks see is not the real you!  Unfortunately, the dating process is such that what people see is typically more “presentation” than reality.  And I understand that it’s not easy to put the real you out there, because rejection is hard to deal with.  “What if nobody likes the real me?”

But, like Phyllis and Erasto said, real and lasting love can only occur between two real and honest people.

Can Love Ever be New Again?

This past Saturday, I witnessed a couple renewing their vows.  They had been married just short of 20 years, and without knowing all the details, it was clear that their marriage had seen some rough times.  For those of you who are, or have been married, you understand that things do get rough!

I understand that couples want to re-commit themselves to their marriage.  And I think that’s great.  Despite the past challenges, I’m impressed with individuals that believe enough in their relationship, that they choose to move forward instead of giving up.

However, I’m not sure if there’s ever really a way to “press the re-set button”, as it relates to love.  When it comes to matters of the heart, most people have very long memories.  And once a heart has been wounded, it takes a whole lot to put it back together. 

You see, love pain is like no other pain.  Love hurt is like no other hurt.  And as I’ve mentioned in other pieces, once their heart has been injured, most people shut down and protect themselves from ever getting hurt like that again.  They would rather NOT LOVE AGAIN than take the risk of GETTING HURT AGAIN.

Do you think it’s possible to couple’s to renew their love after difficult times?

And…what advice would you give the couple?

Seven Kinds of Sex

I thought my married couples might get a kick out of this one.  (For what it’s worth, this was passed along to me by a mature, ordained Senior Deacon.)

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

 

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

 

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

 

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

 

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

 

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ’screw you.’

 

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

 

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

 

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN…I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!

What’s Wrong With My Butt?

Hasani is back on Relationship Wednesday.  Check this out…

Countless young black women who suffer from poor body image spend their precious time trying to achieve the perfect video model’s body in order to appeal to Black men.

But what about when that black man is your husband? There are countless women who feel inadequate because their husbands desire more than what they can offer. A question from a suffering spouse was recently posted on my website www.therelationshipsexpert.com. Here’s another woman who’s a victim of the butt craze. She writes:

I am painfully hurt by my husband’s admission that he is and never really was sexually attracted to me as much as he could be if I were a woman with a big behind. Our black culture dictates that I must now have a big behind to be considered attractive.

By most standards I am attractive and smart. My husband, otherwise, says I am a good wife and he loves me. We barely make love and his favorite sites are sites of women with big behinds. I am envious and jealous I admit. Not really because of their big butts but because he greatly desires what I don’t have. Faithful to my marriage I feel that I have no recourse.

I am currently working out and am in decent shape. We do not want to divorce, but I always feel like he’s looking on the other side of the fence. The reality is that he wants what I don’t have. How do I handle this? I am slowly healing from the obsession of it all and his lack of sexual interest in me.

He says he’s always felt this way but tried not to be shallow. My pain seems unbearable at times. What do you suggest? I am currently working on getting a “butt job” done just to hopefully be able to fulfill his “needs” as a wife. Intellectually, i know he sounds like a shallow person and I could make the argument that my butt should not define my sex relationship with my hubby but reality says otherwise…This has put a strain on our sex life and he thinks I’m overreacting, which makes me suspicious because he seems to accept it too easily. Why is it this way? Why aren’t brains and beauty enough? There is no worse feeling than being with someone who doesn’t want you sexually.

What are your thoughts?

 

Small Gesture…Huge Impact

Do you realize that it is sometimes the smallest acts of kindness, or the simplest displays of thoughtfulness that make a world of difference in a relationship?

The other day, one of my female co-workers was just smiling and glowing, almost floating around the office.  It was clear that she was on “Cloud 9″.  You would have thought she just won a million dollars!

When I asked her to disclose the reason for her bliss, she said that her husband walked around the mall with her the night before for nearly two hours — without complaining!  Seriously, you would have thought by her behavior that he bought her a diamond ring. 

It doesn’t really cost a lot to show someone that you are sensitive to what they need and desire.  You don’t always have to spend a ton of money on expensive gifts, elaborate vacations, and fancy meals.  Often, it’s the small, thoughtful gesture that communicates most effectively that you care.  And when you boil it all down, people just want to be, and FEEL, loved!

Black Woman’s Burden

Relationship Wednesday with Hasani…

Last week my wife and I watched a very interesting documentary about single Black women entitled ‘Soul Mates.’ It opened up with a very powerful statement.

The narrator said, “The most powerful woman in the world, and the most influential woman in the world are both Black women: Condoleezza Rice & Oprah Winfrey. However, with all that power, their greatest weakness is being able to get married and have children.”

As exceptional as they both are, Oprah and Condoleezza represent a large portion of Black women in America. Black women are the most unpartnered group in the US and perhaps on the planet. According to statistics 42.3 of Black Women have never been married. Also, the more money and education a Black woman has, the less likely she is to ever get married or have children.

If this information is correct, Black women are often forced to make an unfair decision: “Do I want a career and financial stability or do i want a man?” Unfortunately, many Black women don’t have the privilege of choosing both.

What do you think about this reality?

Your Spouse Is Cheating!

Hasani asks us some tough questions on Relationship Wednesday…

Would you tell a friend if you knew his or her spouse was cheating on him or her?

According to a recent survey, sixty percent (60%) of people say they would let a friend know. Women are more than twice as likely as men to honor this perceived responsibility of friendship. Sixteen percent (16%) of men and women would mind their own business.

Many people choose not to tell because even if the bearer of bad news gets blamed.

What would you do? Would you show & tell OR keep it a secret?

Married And Gay As Ever!

It’s Relationship Wednesday and Hasani is back!

Last night my wife and I had a date night and watched the movie ‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry’ staring Adam Sandler. It’s about two straight New York firefighters who form a domestic partnership in order to keep their benefits. It was a hilarious movie that had us laughing so hard, we almost woke up our kids.

But on a serious note, the movie addressed an issue that has the nation split. Gay and lesbian couples have been fighting for marriage rights for years.

Do you think that homosexuals should be allowed to marry and benefit from the same privileges that heterosexual married couples do?

 

Why Are More Women Straying?

It’s “Relationship Wednesday”, and Hasani has a question for us…

Men have always been associated with affairs. But nowadays women are getting the same opportunities to have affairs and they expect better quality sex lives. Whether it’s a female college student who has no real concept of monogamy or a 21-year married veteran and mature mother of three, women are becoming bolder about their newfound sexual freedom.

In one unscientific, yet telling poll at WomanSavers.com (the self-proclaimed “world’s largest database rating good and bad men”), women were asked if they had ever cheated. Of the more than 9,400 women who responded, 49% said they had. Another 26% said that they’d have no problem stepping out on their partners if they knew they could get away with it.

Why do you think so many women are cheating and is there anything men can do to stop it?