A Depressing Thanksgiving

Lately, the predominant question has been, “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”  Some are travelling to be with family and friends, while others are staying home at having company come over.

While it is a festive time for many–and it should be–it is also a difficult time for others.  Holidays are often times where people are saddened by reflecting on lost or distant loves ones.  These times can also be depressing to individuals who can’t afford festive meals, nor have homes to host.

I don’t mean to damper anyone’s mood this holiday season, because I strongly believe in the value of families and friends gathering.  However, in your planning, preparing and spending, please keep in mind that there are others, not too distant from you, that have a tough time during the holidays.

Call me naive, but I believe that even the smallest gesture of love can make a real difference in their lives: buy an extra turkey and give it to them, invite them over, or maybe even volunteer at a homeless shelter. 

Now call me crazy, but I also believe that such an expression of love will make a difference in your life, too!

Rules for Thanksgiving Dinner

I’m not sure who the author is here (possibly W. F. Cleaves), but I appreciate you sharing this with us.  I’m sure it’ll be very useful.  (I made some minor changes to make it more G-rated.) Feel free to send these rules along with the invitations.

10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE

1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. “Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.

2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your behind down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little tails to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their behind!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who cares. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be told off and asked to stay your greedy butt home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing darn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant butt!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your behind home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!