10 Things You Should Never Say to a Guy

I saw this article today on MSN.

Let me know what you think…

Here’s a look at 10 things women say that drive men nuts.

1) ”That looks cute.”
For the most part, men hate cute. We don’t want to hear about it, we don’t want to see it, and we sure as hell don’t want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there’s a 100 percent chance we’re changing. We’re supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.

2) ”We need to talk.”
These four words shut off a man’s brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation—and better yet, your apartment—they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.

3) ”It’s just a game.”
Actually, it’s not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it’s life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn’t make sense, but you should be happy that we’re that passionate about something. Telling us that “it’s just a game” is like us telling you that Oprah’s just a talk show host.

4) ”Nothing’s wrong.”
Please don’t tell us nothing’s wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We’re not mind readers; tell us what’s going on. And don’t make us guess because—believe me—you won’t like what we come up with.

5) ”I sound like my mom.”
The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don’t say it, even in jest—it’s not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying “every woman ends up looking like their mother” is an old wives’ tale. If we didn’t, no one would ever get married.

6) ”I just want to be friends.”
No you don’t. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick—don’t prolong the agony. Most of us take “I just want to be friends” as “There’s still a chance,” so if there isn’t just make it a clean break and move on.  Everyone will be much better because of it.

7) ”Size doesn’t matter.”
Don’t lie to us. We know it does, and we’re doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It’s best just to not say anything at all.

8) ”What are you wearing?”
We’re wearing whatever’s clean or whatever you tell us to. We don’t plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest … nicely.

9) ”Do you think she’s pretty?”
Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn’t mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can’t help it. It’s in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it’s best to just pretend nothing happened.

10) ”Which outfit do you like better?”
I’m going to be honest here—90 percent of the guys out there are not going to tell you which outfit they like better: They’re going to try to pick the one you like better and not get into a holy war when the babysitter is due any minute. To us, you always look good. Getting a couple cocktails and spending as much time as we can without the kids is our ultimate goal for a rare night out.

The Husband’s Bill of Rights

You knew it was coming.  After hearing the Wife’s Bill of Rights, it is only fair to discuss the other side.  Again, let me know what you think.

(written by Craig Playstead)

Preamble:

We, the husbands of America, do not claim to be perfect. We’re far from it. While we love being married to the wives of America, we have a few things that we’d like to straighten out. We’re not asking for the world here. We understand that things like following our college football team to every away game is out of the question, as are after-dinner cigars. However; there are a few minor things that we’d like to clear up to make our marriage a happy one.

Amendment I

We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month.
A man’s relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you. Even as we reach middle age, we like the fact that we still have a “crew.”

Amendment II

We reserve the right to dislike your friend’s husbands.
We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned. It doesn’t mean we like your friend any less, it just means that in her haste to have a big, fancy wedding, she chose a jackass that we don’t want to spend our rare time off with. Listening to stories about how “wicked” he was on the French horn in his bitchin’ ‘80s band is just too much.

Amendment III

We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house.
Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn’t all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone. The scene in “Juno” where Jason Bateman realized that everything he held near and dear was in a 200-square-foot room was a gut-shot to us all.

Amendment IV

We have the right not to be scolded by you.
We are your husbands, not your children. We don’t mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it’s not like we just got a lap dance. Don’t treat us like your children and we’ll do our best not to act like them.

Amendment V

We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart.
Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It’s also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that’s how we’re wired. And we’re not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.

Amendment VI

We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves.
Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it’s also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves. One of the plus sides of learning how to take care of yourself is that the more you know, the less you have to use it. Teaching our offspring how to defend themselves in a scary world is one of the basic duties of a father.

Amendment VII

We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need.
Sometimes we’re in there a while, we can’t help it. And no, we’re not hiding … most of the time.

Amendment VIII

We have the right to watch the big game.
We care too much about our teams. We know it’s not rational, but it’s who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die. If you don’t believe this, just remember the Boston Red Sox had the most loyal fans in sports and didn’t win a World Series for 86 years.

Amendment IX

We have the right to the remote when we’re on the couch.
This is something that’s in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there’s any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It’s a thing of beauty.

Amendment X

We have the right to still use chivalry.
Yes … we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while. The world will be a better place because of it.

Keeping HER Crazy in Love

Alright, let’s get this straight.  I didn’t write the article, What keeps a Man Crazy in Love?.  I just brought it to your attention with the blog entitled, All Men Want the Same Thing.  However, the comments clearly reflected a sentiment that women do enough already.  And at this point, the ladies felt that the men should be stepping up their game to keep them crazy in love.

In other words, if the love has diminished, it is because the men are slacking!  They said that husbands still expect them to work all day (whether at home or in the workforce), take care of the kids, keep the house clean, pay the bills, and THEN prepare and serve them dinner in a thong!

I was even asked to find an article that enumerated the 12 things a MAN should do to keep his woman crazy in love.  It sounds like we’ve got a bad case of virtual finger-pointing here that needs to be addressed.

The point of the last blog was not to engage in the “blame game”, nor was it to “throw the sistahs under the bus”. 

My intent was to communicate that men are generally very simple creatures, and that it really is not hard to figure out what makes them happy.

Now, back to the request to come up with 12 things a man should do to keep his woman crazy in love…

How about we write that one ourselves?  Any ideas?

 

How to Shower Like a Woman/Man

Thanks, Phyllis, for passing this along from Lynette. Beside the gender differences, I noticed a few cultural differences as well. Enjoy!

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

• Take off clothing and place it in sectioned hamper according to lights and darks.
• Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
• Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
• Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
• Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.
• Rinse off and turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
• Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
• Walk naked to the bathroom.
• If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “woo-woo” sound.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
• Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
• Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
• Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
• Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
• Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower.
• Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
• Admire wiener size in mirror again.
• Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
• If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the “woo-woo” sound again.
• Throw wet towel on bed.

Does this sound familiar?

The 9 Words Women Use

Have a SUPER weekend!

The 9 Words Women use… 

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means “something”, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “Fine”.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. My advice…Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time arguing with you about nothing.  (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question why, or Faint. Just say, “you’re welcome.”

8. Whatever: Is a women’s way of using an expletive without actually saying it!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

*Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh…they know it’s true!

 Does this sound like your house?

Here We Go Again…GIFT BAGS!

I’ve taken great effort to avoid “recycling” blog entries.  There’s enough that happens in our lives that I don’t have to repeat topics over and over.

However…

I had a discussion this morning with co-workers about GIFT BAGS.  We’re having a little holiday party today which includes exchanging small gifts.  The conversation went from the challenges of wrapping presents to gift bags.

There’s a number of people who have joined the blog since we did that piece, so I think you’ll enjoy it.  And for those of you who remember the story, I’m sure you can use a good laugh.

So, without further ado, the Gift Bag story…

Mars, Venus, and a Gift Bag.